An interesting thought to start the day Courtesy of Tricycle

Honesty Begins at Home

The pillar of skillful speech is to speak honestly, which means that we should even avoid telling little white lies. We need to be aware of dishonesty in the forms of exaggerating, minimizing, and self-aggrandizing. These forms of unskillful speech often arise from a fear that what we are is not good enough––and that is never true. Honesty begins at home, so the practice of skillful speech begins with being honest with ourselves.

- Allan Lokos, "Skillful Speech"

I think the part that hits home the most for me is "These forms of unskillful speech often arise from a fear that what we are is not good enough––and that is never true." As I start trying to date again and talk to other people in the same position, it especially resonants with me. The fear that I am not good enough. This had in some ways dictated  decision made all through my 20s and is finally being pushed into the backseat. Not good enough for who? I often find that is person is myself. I am at the point in my life where feeling comfortable in my own skin is a major goal. I recently responded to a personal ad that ended with in the Why you should Message Me area, something to along the lines of "you like yourself, if you don't how am I supposed to?" I liked the sentiment and responded to the ad. 

On a completely unrelated note, this article is a good read for the morning and a discussion we should be having more often.  F.D.A. Panel to Consider Warnings for Artificial Food Colorings

So as I dive head first into the dating abyss and my new life in general, I will try to keep it real. But not the point that keeping it real goes wrong. 

The Hurt Locker

This will be a short entry. I rented The Hurt Locker over the weekend and finally made time to watch it tonight. I have to admit, I like war movies. I really thought this movie was well made. It has a good plot and there were a couple scenes that were shot almost perfectly. I can understand why it got the Oscar. And thank goodness it did over Avatar.
 I couldn't help but to think about Libya while watching it, and also thinking about the president's comments concerning our involvement in Libya. Obama's Nobel Peace Prize still looms large in my mind as we enter into another conflict with no end in sight. The students that I supervise have grown into adulthood only knowing war in the Middle East. It is a  norm to be at war for them. They matured into it. I found that to be sobering as we sat around a table discussing it. As a nation we have a vested interested in that part of the county and our military is protecting those interest. Do not get me wrong. I am glad we are protecting civilians, but my mind moves quickly to Darfur and Myanmar where our interest was not so vested and our troops not on the ground. Does American interest in the an area of the world prioritize the value of protecting human life? As quoted in the piece "Ending American Exceptionalism" "In short, as President Obama stated, “the burden of action should not be America’s alone.” Does it make it any better that  we have allies in the process of prioritizing life,  that burden does not fall on this nation alone.

First World Problems

So lots of things have changed for me in the last couple months. I have had to rethink some major life decisions. I have made peace with that process. An acquittance on Facebook posted a list of his first world problems. I believe I noted it in my last post. This has changed the entire course of my last two weeks. I have evaluating my life using a different lens and different perspective. My first world problems are not so bad. I have a really good job. I am making good friends. I eat fresh fruits, vegetables and meats on a daily basis. My biggest concern is overeating, and not where my next meal will come from. If you were to open my fridge you would find fresh peppers, tomatoes, mushrooms, yogurt and cheese among other things. I can afford good less processed whole grain breads. My closet is full of warm clothes that I dread washing every week after I wear it for a short period of time sitting in my temperature controlled office. My friends and family love and accept me for who I am. I can rely on them for most things. In the grand scheme of life I am mostly healthy. I workout, I have a white collar job and I am educated.

My point is that my first world life is amazing. I have fears and worries. Some unfounded, some ingrained deep within and some that are gone as fast as they come. I would love to make a bit more money and pay off my student loans pronto. I want to travel and live in a bigger city. I would love to have a partner to share my life with. And if the fates allow kids. If they don't allow, there are plenty of other kids for me to love.

I have spent a lot of the last two weeks gathering my wits. Learning to find the courage to be happy with the many blessing I have instead of participating in the relentless pursuit of perfection and ambition. I am learning to take chances I might not have before and leave myself open to life.

Most importantly, I am taking a several minutes a day to put it all into perspective. I am trying to figure out ways to share the blessings I have with people who have less. Because lord knows I have an excess of material things that mean very little to me at the end of the day.

My first world problems are just that. I feel so very blessed and thankful that my worries in the grand scheme of things are small and that my life is filled when love when I take a moment to look up and see it.

Lists

Since I am trying to get back into writing more in general, I took the alphabet list idea from a friend's blog and thought I would give it a try.

A- Agony... Ready for the cold weather to be over. Ready to start feeling more put together and tired of agonizing over it all.

B- Budget. I took this one from Devon but it is a good one. I am working on it. Almost out of debt with the exception of student loans and personal loans. This is a big step for me. Looking forward to paying off all personal loans by end of spring mid-summer.

C- Crisis... Been reading Countdown to Final Crisis and it finally got interesting at the mid-point of the 3rd trade paperback. I was so engrossed in the story, I forgot I was watching basketball last night.

D- Dang: The month of March has gone faster than any month I have had since moving to Valpo. I can't believe I am coming up on a year living here soon.

E-Ego and Exercise: Letting go of the ego is hard to do. I have a hard time sitting down to meditate and to exercise regularly these days. Time to start doing both.

F- Finding: I am finding things. Where they go and how my life fits here. I am finding that being stripped down of the entire concept of who you thought you were and what your goals were is a frightening and somewhat exhilarating process.

G – Graham crackers: been cravin 'em.

H- Heat: I want to turn off my heat. I want to feel the heat of the sun on my skin as I bike through the spring and summer air. I want to feel the heat of another human next to me.

I- Intrinsic: I love the Buddhist idea that people are intrinsically good. Pema Chodron writes that we come equipped with everything we need in this live. We more or less have to clear the clouds of fear and ignorance, let go of ego and accept that suffering is a part of life.

J- Jumping. I have a way of jumping into things figuring I can sort out the details later. I am learning as I get older to slow down and think about it more. Although the thrill of diving right in has always been a good feeling to me.

K- Knowledge: Another one I am taking from Devon. Learning new things every day. Reading, learning and understanding. Wanting to go back to school and do more of all of that.

L- Listlessness: Wondering if I made the right decision with the move. Wondering what I am missing by being here. Until I typed this, I also assumed at the darker moments that anywhere else would be better. Typing it up now, makes me realize I am starting to think it is not so bad and it could have been much worse. My job has been amazing and pretty fulfilling. My coworkers are all great and managing students is pretty fun. I had a student stop by to tell me he got into the grad school he wanted. It made me happy.

M- March Madness. I have been totally absorbed in the world of college basketball. Which has been great given how sick I had been. Now I am feeling better and the season is about to end. Go Butler. And how about that OSU/Kentucky game? Bracket officially busted. But I am ok with that.

N- Nighttime: I have been enjoying nighttime more. One reason is it is staying lighter longer. The second is coming home to Pico's cute little nose. I have missed having a cat. And even though he is a hand full sometimes, we are figuring it out.

O- Organization: I remember a time in my life where I was fairly organized. It was piles here and there. But I knew where everything was at and my bills were paid on time. I love that I am returning to a more organized model of existence. Even my desk at work has been less cluttered lately.

P- Pico and Procrastination. Pico what more can I say beside cute cat and turning into a good little friend. Procrastination: still fighting the daily battle.

Q- Quinoa: Got to find a good recipe and make some soon.

R- Rango: Definitely do not want to see that movie.

S- Scrapping: I was thinking about today how I am glad I am no longer scrapping by as I did in college. I have first world worries. They are random and neurotic depending on the day. Mainly they revolve around attempting to eat healthy, finding a partner (this has been a big one thanks to spring), going back to school and possible infertility. For me these had been big concerns, but now I am simply grateful for what I have. My first world worries don't seem so bad.

T- Thinking: I am over thinking about how I am giving up over-thinking everything once and for all.

U- Underestimating. first thing to came to mind.

V- Vicarious: I have made a vow to not live vicariously through the people I love and admire but to build the life I want for myself instead.

W- Weekends. They have been filling up fast and that is a very good thing. I booked pretty solid for the next couple months. My activities involve geeking out at a con, jazz music, a 5k, camping and a trip to Florida. That is a life I can live with.

X- Xylophones: Definitely have to start seeing more live music.

Y- You: Do I know you? Have we met? Are you my best friend?

Z- Zippyness: I walk at minimum 2 miles a day during the week. My guess is I most likely walk roughly 3 to 5 miles depending on the day and weather. However, I was googling something and came across some post in an old running forum I was a part of. It made me want to start running again. My first 5k is coming up in May, and I will most likely be a part of the walking crowd on that one. But since I started trying to quit smoking, I have had the goal of running a 5k and hope to do it before the Popcorn Panic. It will be 2 full years of quitting smoking this summer, the time is now folks. If not the Popcorn Panic will be my first 5k. That is months away thought. I want to be zippy!

a new kitty and a decent month

I am not good at keeping up to date with the whole blog situation. Time just has a way of passing quickly and life gets busy with a million other things. I have now lived in Indiana for about 7 months. Where has the time gone?

The time has flown that is where. The holidays and getting settled into my apartment have consumed a lot of my time. Going out of town has been the other big time consumer. Lately, I have been feeling like I need to spend a bit more time in town establishing a life here.
A big step in that direction for me was getting a cat. I love cats. I have not had my own cat in about 4 years since my wonderful old man cat passed away. I adopted a wonderful little gray kitty last weekend. It is strange to have another living being to come home to at night. It is refreshing in so many ways. He is super affectionate as well.

This past month has been both one of the better months I have had here and one of the hardest. Many things have happened since the beginning of February. Mainly in the last 2.5 weeks.
I have had many wonderful visits with friends where I used to live. I got to see their new child, eat breakfast scramble and read the NYTimes with another, explore the area I live more with my wonderful friends that came to visit. All of these things made me so happy.

I also went to church for the first time in a long time. I always have found it very unnerving to go into a new church for the first time. A lot of that feeling is my own inner conflicts. However, I felt wonderfully welcomed this go round. I felt instantly welcome and not in a "I'm gonna save your soul" kinda way. But more in a good to have you here kind of way. I plan on returning this coming Sunday as well as attending a social event they are hosting on Friday evening.
Today, I also took a huge step toward starting grad school either in the summer or fall. I had a leftover bill from undergrad preventing me from getting my transcripts. It felt good to put that check in the mail today. So hopefully by the end of the month, my application will be in for grad school. Sweet. I am almost out of most of my debt that is not related to student loans and personal loans. It feels good to be making a dent on it and that my friends are awesome and patient with me.

The most difficult aspect of the last month has been getting some medical issues dealt with. Thankfully I have a doctor that I feel like listens to me and is all about my best interests. The one downside is that the medicine I am on makes me exhausted and emotional. Hopefully that will work itself out. The medicine has helped with a lot of things right away, just need to work past the exhaustion. Normally I wouldn't blog about things as personal as this but I am still coping with it all.

Overall things seem to be heading toward the up.